Why Is It So Hard to Leave Abusive Relationships?
(And What Can Be Done To Help?)
© 2025 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
“Why didn’t you just leave?” is one of the most common questions that victim/survivors of abusive relationships are asked whether in families, at work, or elsewhere. Unfortunately, this question shows a lack of understanding of the dynamics of abuse and an insensitivity by essentially blaming the victim. Such abusive relationships are much more common in today’s society than most people realize, because most of this behavior goes on in private. I am aware of the extent of this based on my previous experience as a therapist, family lawyer, and mediator, and now as a consultant for professionals and individuals dealing with high conflict situations.
In reality, there are several hidden factors and some obvious ones holding back the target of abuse to stay in the relationship. And there are several things that others can do to help (including not asking this question). This article will primarily address these dynamics in domestic violence relationships, but the same dynamics can be applied in any situation in which one person bullies another in an ongoing manner.
Coercive Control in Relationships
Coercive control is a term that helps explain the fundamental dynamics of abusive relationships, especially intimate partnerships which may or may not involve violence. Essentially, one partner is driven to establish and maintain control over the other, often including where they go, who they associate with, what they can say, whether they can have access to the family’s financial information and even limiting their access to healthcare. There may be violence used to enforce the control, or not. It doesn’t take much to send the message that independent behavior will be punished. The essential ingredients of such abusive relationships are the repetition of dominating behavior by the perpetrator of the abuse and ongoing fear on the part of their target. (Throughout this article I will use perpetrator, abuser, and bully as equivalent terms; victim, survivor, and target as equivalent terms; and domestic violence and intimate partner violence as equivalent terms.)
Why would some people act like this? Many people with such dominating behavior have Cluster B personality disorders, which the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals indicates are present in approximately 4.5% of the adult population based on several studies worldwide. (APA, 734) Perhaps an additional 5% have traits of these aggressive disorders, but not enough to be diagnosed. Roughly ten percent is a significant number equaling over 34 million people in the United States. Many are men, but there is also a smaller but significant number of women who engage in such domineering behavior. What causes this behavior? Generally, it’s a combination of three factors: genetic tendencies at birth, early childhood abuse or trauma, and the cultural environment that the person grows up in.
Cluster B personalities include narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic. They are known for being “emotional, dramatic, and erratic,” (APA, 734) as well as for their “domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.” (Wilson, et al, 691) This seems to accurately describe the behavior patterns of those engaged in coercive control or bullying behavior. Research shows that antisocial and borderline personality disorders are specifically predictive for violence. (Collison and Lynam, 2021) However, there is a wide range of severity of these personalities and not all people with Cluster B personalities engage in coercive control or violence.
Coercive Tactics that Promote Blame and Self-Doubt
One of the characteristics of abusive relationships is a constant flow of criticism of the targeted person. “No one would want you except for me.” “You’re a mess; just look at you!” “It’s all your fault!” For example, people with narcissistic personalities have traits of arrogance and a lack of empathy. People with antisocial personalities have traits of cruelty and a lack of remorse. People with borderline personalities have wide mood swings and sudden anger. All of these behaviors instill a pattern of “walking on eggshells” for the target.
Often targets of abuse have a lot of empathy in general, so that they are concerned more about how the bully may feel than about their own well-being. Abusers manipulate this empathy on a regular basis. “See what you made me do!” “If it wasn’t for you and all your problems, we would have more money, time, sex, etc.” “Don’t you care about how I feel, about my needs?” They often say this even when you are exhausted caring about their feelings and needs.
They usually chip away at the target’s competence: “You’re a lousy parent! You’re irresponsible.” “The children don’t like being around you!” “You’re lousy at your job.” “Why do you always want to run to your family? I should be enough for you. Why are you so needy?” They say this regardless of whether your behavior and needs are ordinary or even exceptionally good.
They make it personal: “Just look at yourself. You’re disgusting.” “You have a weight problem.” “You’re not very smart.” “You’re no good at your job.” “Your morals are weak.” “I would never do what you have done.” These types of statements are cruel and guaranteed to eat away at a person’s self-esteem.
They create additional fear: They threaten the survivor’s relationship with the children. “You know, if you ever try to leave me you will never see the children again.” “I’ll fight for custody and tell the court about what a terrible parent you are.” The survivor may also be in fear for her life, based on spoken or unspoken threats if she leaves. It is often said that it takes at least seven attempts to leave a domestic violence perpetrator because he is so threatened by this loss of power and control over the partner.
Repetition Leads to Resignation
As such negative feedback gets repeated and combined with verbal or physical threats, the target of the abuse usually loses self-esteem and the ability to leave gets harder, not easier. The person becomes resigned to the bully’s power and their own sense of powerlessness. It’s a downward emotional spiral.
When targets make efforts to assert themselves, the abusive person thwarts those with louder and stronger responses and threats, so that the victim makes fewer and fewer attempts. As a successful actress in such a relationship for a year said: “He brought me so low, below myself, that the idea of leaving him and having to work myself back up just seemed impossible.” (Benner and Ryzik, 2021)
Friends, Family, Professionals and Others
Ironically, the people who could be most supportive may be oblivious to the difficulties in the relationship. “He seems like such a great guy/parent/provider/etc.” “All couples have difficulties.” “He’s so reasonable and you seem so emotional, it’s hard to believe what you’re saying.” Professionals—even therapists, mediators and judges—may inadvertently reinforce the power imbalance. “Can’t you see your part in the problem?” “Marital problems are usually the equal responsibility of both spouses.” “Stop pointing fingers.”
The larger culture may reinforce stereotypes that don’t fit an abusive situation. “You should stay and try to work things out.” “The wife is supposed to defer to her husband’s authority.” “You’re lying just to hurt an honest man when you talk about him that way. He is so friendly, charming, responsible, and upstanding in the community.”
Sometimes it is a man being abused verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. This is maybe 10-15% of domestic violence cases, but most people don’t hear about it, because the man is so ashamed. People say: “How could you be a victim? You’re a man.” “But you’re bigger than she is.” “Just man up and take it.” Yet the dynamics are surprisingly similar to those of a woman as the target of abuse. This makes it easy for abusive women to say the man is lying. Since many abusive men lie about their own behavior, it’s hard for abused men to be believed.
Hidden Psychological Factors
Research shows that couples have hidden dynamics of attraction that most people are unaware of. For example, domineering people tend to seek submissive people and submissive people tend to seek domineering people, even though that is not what they really want. More desirable is looking for people who display warmth and friendliness, and providing that in return. This is called the Principle of Reciprocity. (Wilson, et al, 681)
I am often asked if there is something in a person’s personality that draws abusers to them. After 45 years of working with personalities in conflictual relationships, I have reached two conclusions about this: 1) Bullies try out picking on everybody; 2) Those who respond and engage with them tend to be those that they pick on further. Some examples are expressing helpless anger, frustration and arguing with them; or becoming immobilized and showing that they are intimidated; or sometimes initially enjoying and encouraging the bullying behavior toward others until it is turned on themselves. It is the emotional engagement that an abusive person wants. When they find someone who will tolerate their behavior, that person is more likely to become a target of ongoing abuse.
One researcher believes that coercive controllers “are drawn to people who are unwittingly easier to exploit than others,” because they tend to be “loyal and forgiving” and believe their partners have the best of intentions. (Cocchiola, 22) In reality, their intentions are often to dominate rather than to have an equal relationship.
Family of Origin Issues
Many of my clients in abusive relationships had abusive childhoods, which unfortunately prepared them to expect and often tolerate abuse in their intimate partnerships as adults. “Isn’t this a part of all marriages?” “I thought his aggressiveness toward me was a sign of love for me.” “It was automatic for me to submit to my partner’s behavior because that’s what my mother always did.” “I wanted the children to have a father, which I didn’t have, so I have tolerated a lot.”
Since normal intimate relationships also go on behind closed doors, many people have no idea that what they experienced growing up was unusual. Most families do not have domestic violence or other abuse as a normal part of their home lives.
As mentioned above, abusive behavior is also often learned in childhood in an abuser’s family of origin. Understanding where this behavior may come from can help a target understand that it has nothing to do with their own behavior or mistakes. This is how the abuser is, perhaps with everyone.
Likewise, when employees are harassed or bullied at work and they tolerate it, it often is because of the experience in their family of origin. It’s hard to suddenly be assertive when you have been trained for a lifetime to be submissive. But most people can learn.
Turning This Around
Many people do eventually leave and there is more support now than in the past. Understanding the above dynamics is an important step in the leaving process. There are three major areas that can help with this.
1. Changing Self-Talk
Many of those who want to leave but are stuck in the relationship may have some learned self-talk which keeps them stuck and unable to seek help to get out of the situation. In researching our book, Dating Radar (Eddy and Hunter, 2017), we found several blind spots that many people have in dating which can be applied to leaving an abusive relationship:
Time and love will change him. If his behavior is personality-based, it is unlikely to change with time or love. This may be who he is and how he has spent a lifetime learning to behave.
I can change him. Abusive behavior is not about the target, but about the abuser. There is usually nothing that a partner can do to change another person’s personality. Forget about it! Many partners exhaust themselves trying to get an abusive person to change before they finally realize that no one can change another person.
He needs me. Many perpetrators persuade their targets that they cannot survive without them. Some even threaten suicide if their partner would leave. When there is no room in the relationship for the partner’s needs, nothing will improve even with time.
But he loves me. While appealing, this does not fit with abusive behavior. If he loved you, would he try to control you like this? Many people fear that no one else in the future could love them as much as their abuser. This is patently false. Most people, including most men, can provide a loving relationship—without abuse.
Replacing such phrases with encouraging statements or affirmations can be very powerful. For example: “I deserve love without abuse.” “I can’t change another person, only myself.” “It’s NOT all my fault.” “No one deserves to be abused no matter what they have done.” Putting such phrases on a post-it stickee on a bathroom mirror can have a powerful impact on how someone thinks and feels. Anyone can start doing this right away. Saying the words out loud and repeating them regularly helps build up self-confidence and assertiveness.
2. Professional and Legal Support
In addition to changing one’s self-talk, it’s important to get positive feedback and help from professionals. Well-trained professionals, especially therapists, will avoid all blaming and shaming comments like the one at the beginning of this article. Instead, they will empathize with what a survivor is going through and have a lot of words of encouragement. In addition, professionals are learning more and more about the dynamics of domestic abuse and how to help clients get out of the cycle.
Laws are changing rapidly to help victims of domestic violence and coercive control. Many family courts now require training for lawyers, judges, mediators, and therapists in recognizing and addressing abusive behavior. Restraining orders are more common now and enforcement of them is growing. Parenting plans and custody orders are taking domestic violence and coercive control into account more often. Making a safety plan for leaving is often encouraged and many professionals can help with that.
While many survivors are fearful of family court making bad decisions against them, it is important to find professionals who really understand these dynamics. Not all lawyers, judges, mediators, and therapists have been well-trained in this highly confusing area, so making the effort to find good ones can really pay off. In my book, Splitting (Eddy and Kreger, 2021), there is a chapter on finding a lawyer with questions to ask when interviewing at least three of them.
It is also worthwhile to get a consultation with a lawyer, even if it is only for 30 to 60 minutes, to find out how the system works in one’s county. In some places, there are domestic violence clinics at court that help people fill out forms and follow the correct procedures. (Also, the Splitting book is a good one to help you prepare in general for the ups and downs of family court when divorcing or separating from someone with a difficult or blaming personality.)
3. Public Education
The general public still has limited awareness of the dynamics of domestic abuse, so that being fooled by a perpetrator and inadvertently blaming the victim is common. However, more and more information about all of this is coming out. Just as with public education about the dangers of smoking and alcoholism, the issue of abusive relationships is reaching the headlines more these days. The national Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) gets millions of calls and their website (http://thehotline.org) gets millions of visitors every year.
Our High Conflict Institute has a set of six one-hour videos with 16 domestic violence experts that are readily available at a low price: $75 USD. Find it here. While geared to family law professionals, the information can be useful to anyone.
Conclusion
Leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging for many obvious and hidden reasons, as this article describes. However, by understanding the dynamics of coercive control in these relationships, and getting knowledgeable support, people can learn how to prepare and leave safely.
Ideally, abusive partners would also seek and get help for themselves, but when their behavior is personality-based it is unlikely that they will acknowledge that they need to change. Wishing and hoping that this will occur will be fruitless. One can have empathy for them at a distance, but that should not be a reason to stay stuck.
Lastly, the information in this article can be applied to any situation in which one person is bullying another, be it in families, at work, in communities or otherwise; be it a woman or man. The self-doubt and family-of-origin training can make it hard to get out, but with good information and professional help more and more people are doing so today. There is hope and many people go on to have happier relationships, as I have witnessed with many clients who started out in high conflict situations and abusive relationships.
References:
American Psychiatric Association (APA): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2022.
Benner, K. and Ryzik, M. “FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf, Citing ‘Relentless’ Abusive Relationship,” New York Times, January 22, 2021.
Cocchiola, C. “Parenting with a Coercive Controller,” Psychotherapy Networker, November/December 2024, 22.
Collison, K. L., and Lynam, D. R., “Personality disorders as predictors of intimate partner violence: A meta-analysis,” Clinical Psychology Review, 88 (2021). doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.
Eddy, B. and Hunter, M. Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says YES to “The ONE” Who Will Make Your Life Hell, Unhooked Books, 2017.
Eddy, B. and Kreger, R. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 2nd Ed., New Harbinger, 2021.
Wilson S., Stroud, C. and Durbin, C. Interpersonal Dysfunction in Personality Disorders: A Meta-Analytic Review, Psychology Bulletin, July 2017; 143(7): 677-734. doi: 10.1037/bul0000101.
BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a lawyer, therapist and mediator who provides regular consultation to individuals and training to professionals in managing high conflict situations. He is the Director of Innovation with the High Conflict Institute based on Scottsdale, Arizona. He is also the author of several books, including Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says YES to “The ONE” Who Will Make Your Life Hell (with Megan Hunter).
