© 2011 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
In general, I am a strong proponent of shared parenting, at least 70-30, and many of my clients have 50-50 shared parenting. Even in high conflict cases, I find that “parallel parenting” can work – with no contact between parents, but each with significant time, even up to 50-50 depending on the case. In high-conflict cases there is such a tendency for family and professionals to become emotionally hooked by a high-conflict personality (HCP) parent, that decisions often go against the more reasonable parent at the beginning and possibly throughout the case.
Therefore, to protect against the risk of restricting or eliminating the wrong parent, I believe it is best to have both parents have significant time. Even with 30% of the parenting time, a reasonable parent can help the child learn the important lifetime skills of flexible thinking, managed emotions and moderate behaviors, even when the other parent is demonstrating the opposite.
However, I’m not yet ready to go as far as a presumption for 50-50. I believe that the best approach is for the court to require parents to strengthen their conflict-resolution skills before the big parenting decisions are made, such as with a program like our New Ways for Families method developed by High Conflict Institute. If the court imposes a 50-50, some research shows that children feel trapped and resentful, and I have seen some high-conflict parents do everything they can to sabotage it. I believe it is better to require high-conflict parents to learn some skills to help them make better decisions, rather than just sending them on their way with an order that they will be unlikely to fulfill.
From everything I have observed, as a social worker and as a family lawyer, I think it would be better for the courts to stay out of making custody and access decisions, and just focus on protective orders when necessary – such as in cases of abuse and cases of alienation (which are a form of emotional abuse). The courts should resist the urge to make parenting decisions for competent adults. Instead, the courts should expect parents to make these decisions in mediation, collaborative divorce or other negotiation settings. If they have difficulty doing so, then the courts should require parents to learn/strengthen skills to make their decisions themselves – so long as they are within a reasonable range (such as 70-30). This way the children and the reasonable parent have a chance for a more normal life, in contrast to having a 50-50 imposed and then dealing with the subsequent chaos with an HCP parent who is outraged and has no new skills.
With all of that said, I think the existing “parenting contest” to determine who is the “better” parent is not working and often harmful, especially to the children. Therefore, unless a better approach is developed, I predict that 50-50 will become a presumption within 5-10 years, even though it’s not my first choice.
Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, and mediator. He is the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute, a training and consultation firm that trains professionals to deal with high conflict people and situations. He is the author of several books and methods for handling high conflict personalities and high conflict disputes with the most difficult people.